Frugality and Motherhood

Back in those innocent days of 2019, the shopping ban was ticking on in the background. Some days I questioned whether it was even really a good idea - wasn't life going to be dismal and ascetic without a little treat from time to time?

But my definition of 'treat' needed some tweaking. During the ban I'd bought a £1 honey lip balm - that was a treat. Not the expensive shoes and perfumes I was looking for excuses to buy. Treats could be free, too, I was remembering, or at the very least take up no space - the library, a mocha dusted with nutmeg, a bowl of fresh strawberries and cream, a box of macarons, a walk by the river, a cuppa accompanied by a good sunrise. I hadn't exactly been living a life of deprivation without the occasional shopping spree.

In fact, I'd discovered the Frugalwoods blog, and I was starting to feel really grateful for all the things I now had, which before had been taken for granted, or which I'd planned to replace with 'something better'. Mrs Frugalwoods has documented her journey from budding frugalista to homesteader and mum of two, sharing all her money-saving tips and tricks along the way. A few years ago I would probably have scoffed at the idea of extreme frugality - why on earth would you deliberately spend less than you could?! - but now I was looking for ways to stretch our family budget. Early retirement was not going to be in the cards for me without a regular income, but I wasn't going to endure the shame of having to schlep down to the food bank because of my own irresponsible spending, either. 

Suddenly I was implementing all sorts of new (to me) strategies to try to keep money in the bank - going a few more days between shampoos; going through the Spud's next-size-up clothing stockpile so I could fill the gaps cheaply rather than panic-buying when he needed something.

The Spud's wardrobe was largely second-hand anyway, which I sometimes felt a bit guilty about, but now I was grateful that the generosity of friends and neighbours had saved me the need to find, choose and buy hundreds of baby items. I would have spent considerably more, and because of the cost I would probably have felt the need to have everything coordinated, which really isn't necessary for such a young baby. In fact, with a sinking feeling I came to realise that in the first few months of the Spud's life I had wildly overspent on him. 

It was easy to justify - I only want the best for my baby! - but I could see that as a new mum, I had really been floundering, and I had used numerous gifts and baby purchases to try to cover the fact that I didn't feel I was bonding with my son, I had no idea what I was doing, and frankly, I felt lost and terrified. Not to mention exhausted! The Spud breastfed round the clock, and there were nights I cried with sheer tiredness and thought about packing my bags.

New parenthood is rarely easy, despite the image perpetuated by social media yummy mummies. My birth experience had been - not to put too fine a point on it - a massacre, and the aftercare deeply lacking, so when I then found myself at home after a long, unexpected hospital stay with a newborn who wouldn't sleep unless he was held, and an impressive set of stitches, I felt nothing short of traumatised. For a while I became reclusive, and I was resentful - almost frightened - of this squeaking, squalling beetroot-faced tyrant in my arms. 

Christmas approached when the Spud was two months old, and I still didn't feel as adoring as I thought I should. Terrified someone might notice I was a weird, ungrateful, abnormal mother, I ordered a great raft of luxury gifts for him from Harrods, Hamleys and Selfridges (paying extra for the branded gift boxes in case anyone missed the point). I think this was when the overshopping really kicked up a notch, as after Christmas I decided to revamp my wardrobe... You know the rest. 

Suffice to say, my two month old bundle was not impressed by Selfridges, Steiff or anything else, although he quite liked the wrapping paper and the Christmas tree lights. I'd just used conspicuous consumption to hide my insecurity - it hadn't really been about the Spud at all.

Bonding was a long and arduous process - aided by Dai in the early days, who made a show of the Spud "giving me a kiss" and "bringing me a coffee" every morning. My son's baffled blue eyes as he was lowered to my face for this "kiss" never failed to make me giggle. (Nowadays he DOES give me a slobbery, slightly violent kiss when the mood takes him, but he's more likely to put a Duplo brick in my coffee than make it for me.) But we got there, and there was nothing I could have bought, no amount I could have spent, that would have made those early days any easier. Giving another being round-the-clock care was more taxing than I had been braced for, and I felt the lack of autonomy very keenly. 

As an introvert with many hobbies, I found it difficult to put a huge chunk of my inner life on hold. Only seeing how quickly the Spud grew made that any easier - soon I was able to see how fleeting all-consuming babyhood is, and realise that whilst he won't want me to cuddle him for hours forever, my books and crafts will still be there. I have to lean into this now, and make the most of this now, because we won't get this time again.

P.S. I came across a post on the Frugalwoods blog that has echoes of this post and my previous post. It's a long read but it covers body image and body positivity, motherhood, and trying to balance a love of clothes with frugality, and new-mum-appearance-neglect. It really resonated with how I feel at the moment and I was so glad to have stumbled across it.