I Broke My Low-Buy To Buy Lingerie and I Refuse To Feel Guilty

One thing you may not know about me - and why would you? - is that I love lingerie. I reluctantly bought one supermarket multipack of knickers to contain my last-month-of-pregnancy bottom and I hated doing it. I designed my own bridal lingerie, and Buttress & Snatch, who made it, liked my design so much they now sell it as part of their special range.

Maternity bras are not a joy. I've been wearing some of mine since pregnancy, and they are discoloured and saggy with little bits of elastic poking out all over. They're not exactly a beautiful garment to begin with, and certainly don't provide the scaffolding I need after two and a bit years of breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding. That's another thing. I totally believe in natural term breastfeeding, but it is bloody arduous at times. The Spud still feeds multiple times per night, and there are moments when my body hardly even feels like it's mine.

I realised late one night that I don't feel beautiful. Or attractive. I did used to rate myself a lot more highly in that department. I'd assumed that the changes in my body wrought by pregnancy and birth wouldn't be a big deal to me, and by and large they're not, but none of my former lingerie collection fits any more, I'm living in grotty breastfeeding bras, and I don't necessarily know how to dress this new body to help it look its best.

Also, to be brutally honest, in a relatively short space of time, I exited a very long-term relationship (thirteen years), moved house three times, experienced a disastrous fling or two, had a short but intense situation that nearly resulted in a move to Australia, met Dai and spent ages not realising this was A Serious Thing, got pregnant, had a miscarriage, got pregnant, birthed the Spud with some difficulty, gave up my own income, breastfed for two years, and here I am three dress sizes bigger, exhausted and a little dazed, wondering why I don't feel as sexy as I did at twenty-one.

This is the first time I've looked this feeling in the face instead of hiding it with baggy clothes and a metaphorical sign that says "I can't look nice now because I'm too worried about the environment and stuff. And I'm a parent now, which is hard. In fact I think I am actually more tired from parenting than that time with insomnia when I hallucinated a person hiding under my desk." 

When I realised what was going on, I felt kinda heartbroken and outraged on my own behalf. I mean, if I'd known before that my self-esteem was this low, I'd have helped me. It was never my intention to drag myself through life feeling unattractive and lacklustre. I knew I felt a bit frumpy at times, but I hadn't really acknowledged just how much I'd written myself off as undesirable.

So I bought myself the first lingerie set I have owned in three years. It does not have little hooks for baby access. I did not choose it according to anyone else's preferences. It is luxurious. It is decadent. It is chartreuse satin trimmed in cream French lace. And I'm not going to apologise for it. Or feel guilty about it. We can call it a replacement for those manky maternity bras, if an excuse must be provided.

This is a symbolic first step on the road to taking better care of myself. I deserve to feel confident and desirable. 

Life is sometimes a dark and dreary place. But that doesn't mean my underwear drawer has to be. 

So yes, I broke my low-buy. But I don't think I actually regret it. I'm currently re-thinking whether I'm going to continue trying with the challenge. If I make it to the end of the year with only this single slip-up, I won't have done badly. This is just another thing I've learned about myself on the journey - I don't need as much to be happy as I once thought I did, but just as I do need books, music, art, nature, good food and good company, I need to feel good in my own skin too. However, I've been learning to control my spending for almost two years now, and I am kind of getting sick of thinking about it. I would like to be able to pick up a magazine or a bath oil every now and again without it being a huge deal, a failure, something to feel guilty about.

I don't ever want to go back to being a huge spendthrift. But I kind of do want to be able to buy that interesting book or pretty eyeshadow without feeling like I'm letting myself - or you - down. I just, maybe, want to learn how to be a NORMAL shopper, not excessive and not austere.