Memory Lane: Adventures in Style

 "I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then," - Alice in Alice in Wonderland (Lewis Carroll).

Since drifting away from the Goth scene about ten years ago, I have dabbled in a variety of fashions and subcultures. Nowadays I have a much better understanding of how I want to look, and it does indeed incorporate many of these inspirations (though sometimes only as a vague nod, perhaps recognisable only to myself - but then maybe that's as it should be). But for a long time I found myself at a loss - I love so many different styles and have so many inspirations, and I found them so conflicting that I couldn't even think how to combine them.

I would rather be inspired by these things and use that inspiration to create my own style, than attempt to tick all the boxes and fit myself into one category or another, but where I was deeply involved in a specific subculture for a long period of time, I found it very strange for a while not to 'belong'. 

Post-Goth, my first move was to fling myself onto the interwebs and try to find another subculture that spoke to me in the same way. In some ways, this taught me a lot. For example, I spent some time as a dreadheaded faux-hippie and I did commit myself fairly whole-heartedly (went vegan, stopped shaving), which, whilst long-term turned out not to be for me, did teach me a lot of things about the way I relate to my body, and how ingrained beauty standards can be.

But I digress.

Now that I feel I'm finally moving on from this period of intensive introspection and learning how to dress purely for myself, I thought I'd share some pictures from the road thus far - a few of the different identities I've tried on over the years.

My awkward journey through style

Goth girl, aged 14-21 approx

I have always loved the Goth look, but I gave up on being a Goth (after seven years immersing myself in all things spooky) because there were more and more elements of the scene that were no longer appealing to me. Plus I was finding that my image and appearance dominated my every waking thought, and I wanted a break from spending each and every moment trying to be the Queen of Darkness.

This is one of those rainbow skirts I wish I hadn't got rid of. And that's my mum!

Gutter faerie, aged 22-23

The year or so I spent exploring this style/lifestyle did help me in many ways. It gave me a break from fixating on my appearance and I rediscovered meditation, exercise and art. I still love bright colours, tie-dye and a kind of earthy faerie vibe.

Strega/mori/witchy-inspired interlude, 24-ish

I enjoyed this, and again there are elements of this in my style today, but it eventually came to feel like I was wearing a costume all the time, which got old fast. It did, however, gel with my interest in fae and folklore (and when I say 'interest' I mean 'obsession'), and satisfied the lingering Gothstalgia.

Attempted normality, 24-ish

A short-lived phase of experimenting with a simple, casual kind of style, inspired by books like How To Be Parisian and fashion bloggers on Instagram. This had a few slightly different iterations: folksy, boho, minimalist, rock chick. Okay, once I got the hang of mainstream fashion proportions ('mom jeans'!), it was much easier and quicker to choose an outfit and get dressed in the mornings. The only problem was that I didn't feel a pared-down, mainstream style said much about me as a person. Frankly, I was bored.

This style did have a resurgence around the time I met Dai, when I was newly on the dating scene and scared of presenting myself as 'too quirky'. I'm not sure how surprised Dai really was when once we got to know each other I quickly devolved back into my actual self (henna! harem pants! waistcoats!) but he took it rather well.

Le geek c'est chic, 25-ish

At this point I'd really given up hope and was just kind of substituting fandoms for a personality. Expressing yourself is v simple when all your T-shirts function as billboards. However, I was changing my hair colour on a monthly basis and I did love that (not so much the upkeep, though).

I reverted to Attempted Normality as a new mum, and I've been slowly foraying back into the realms of clothing that lights me up. I'd become keen to hide, afraid of garnering attention, but I'm pleased to report that those feelings are decidedly on the wane. I don't need a fanfare of approval and a cascade of likes for every outfit, but I also don't mind not blending into the crowd. (I don't take outfit photos any more generally speaking, but the odd waistcoat appreciation post finds its way onto my Instagram, if you're curious.)

I feel like I've been a bunch of different people over the years. And I kind of like them all, in different ways and for different reasons. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the end result that is ME is a mishmash of all of these things. My look isn't everybody's cup of tea, I guess, but it doesn't have to be. That's kind of the point, I think.