Comparison, the Gremlin On My Shoulder

The Comparison Trap

By July '19, two months into my first attempt at a year's shopping ban, I was becoming irritated by my inability to stop thinking about clothes. On days out, I found myself constantly playing the comparison game against other women, and I'd noticed the snarky voice of my inner critic carping at me: "This isn't cool, that isn't cool, it doesn't look right, your shoes are wrong, you haven't got the figure for that, who do you think you're kidding?" It was the inner voice of my younger self, who had enough self-awareness to want to try to be cool, but was never quite able to manage it. As an adult, I wasn't concerned with being cool - far better to be happy, or enthusiastic, then to keep chasing an ever-changing target (also I basically live by this page of the Incomplete Manifesto for Change) - but apparently no one had told the gremlin on my shoulder.

When friends visited, I felt sloppy, awkward and underdressed. If I put on make-up and made effort, I felt overdone and vapid. Whatever I did, I perceived myself as somehow wrong and out of place. I felt deflated every time I saw someone with what I perceived to be a better outfit, and became envious of women who didn't seem to care what they wore and were still at ease with themselves. I was getting increasingly frustrated, and wanted to just forget about how I looked. When had my appearance taken over my life to this extent? Was I completely vain, brainwashed by a misogynistic culture, or both?

It was as though the disordered eating behaviours I had overcome had simply been replaced by other damaging behaviours. I had read so much about body acceptance and self-love, but I had to face the facts - if I really loved myself, I wouldn't be spending my hard-earned money to fix imaginary problems, or constantly comparing myself to strangers.

I wanted to try to find an identity beyond clothes (and shut up that stupid little voice for good), and I decided that the best way to do that was to stop thinking about clothes:

- No Pinterest

- No style blogs or style guide books. The latter were consigned to the charity shop with a glad heart 

- No Instagram

- No browsing shopping sites, street style sites or Googling "fashion icons" , in fact no clothes-related Googling at all

- No fashion magazines

- No browsing the high street

- No mentally cataloguing other women's outfits

Just wearing the clothes I had. 

I'm not sure if this is a personal quirk or a common side effect of using these platforms, but when I have occasionally used Instagram or Pinterest in the year following, I have noticed a corresponding drop in mood, and more likelihood that I will make an unnecessary purchase (usually make-up or clothing) in the days after. So for myself, I have decided that these platforms are not healthy and don't contribute anything to my life except feeling vaguely low and crappy. That doesn't mean it's always been easy not to use them! Instagram, in particular, has a tendency to draw me back in. But I'm working towards a complete break.

Comparison was an extremely difficult habit to escape. There was a point when I thought I might never free myself from it, and was doomed to spend the rest of my life measuring myself against every woman (and occasionally a man with an outfit I particularly liked) that I encountered, and finding myself lacking. It took about ten months (ten months!!!) of avoiding fashion content and trying to notice and disrupt my negative thought patterns (I named the gremlin on my shoulder Keith; for anyone else who has a similar gremlin, I highly recommend Anuschka Rees's book Beyond Beautiful) before I suddenly noticed that the urge to compare had just... fallen away. Shrugged off, like an old coat. I cannot overstate how liberating this felt. 

On the Bright Side

Happily, a couple of months in, I was beginning to really enjoy the shopping ban. The stress and anxiety I had felt back in May were replaced by a newfound pleasure and satisfaction in removing myself from the consumer rat race. I had taken myself away from a source of guilt, envy, frustration and confusion, and I was achieving a simple joy from using what I already had. After trying for several years to catch up with myself, I was finally down to just fourteen unread books, and in the hotter weather I'd discovered that a handful of tops I'd thought weren't right on me actually looked just fine with skirts or culottes. 

It was frightening to think what I could have spent in the two and a half months since starting the ban if I had continued unchecked. Worse, there was nothing at all I really needed, so I would have just found things I quite liked and convinced myself that they were necessities. It's amazing how brainwashed we are into consuming as a way of life, and it was a relief to take a step back and look critically at the mechanisms at work. 

Accountability Corner

One benefit of giving up shopping that I noted this week was that, as a direct side effect of giving up the preoccupation with my appearance that constant shopping had contributed to, I find my range of interests expanding. I am more likely - and able - to pay attention to a passing whim (say, to plant vegetables, practise my guitar, or seek out a book about prehistoric matrifocal cultures or Japanese folklore), instead of reserving my time and attention for the constant tweaking of my physical appearance and planning what clothes I'm going to buy next. I hadn't realised to what extent I was stifling any interests that didn't relate in one way or another to my personal presentation. (Bet my mother noticed, though - she's disturbingly acute about things like that.)

Right, enough musing - on to the nitty gritty! I am delighted to report no ban breaks this week. I have purchased nothing but groceries and some cream for the baby's bottom. I can also see a notable change in my savings rate since reading Your Money Or Your Life, which is really exciting to me!