Changing habits is difficult. At two and a half years into my shopping ban journey, I often feel frustrated that I still want so much. But I find it interesting to note how my desires have changed. At the moment, for example, I really want a steel tongue drum (preferably purple) and a particular poetry collection from Hedgespoken Press (I used to love reading poetry but have drifted away from it in recent years; now I seem to be drifting back again, which is enjoyable). I don't feel like the same person who wanted Louboutin shoes and lip fillers for her 21st birthday.
Thinking back, that age was a time of change for me as well. I was moving away from my goth style, and making a determined effort to put disordered eating behind me. Whilst I still had a lot of mistakes to make and a lot of personas to try on in the intervening years, I can see the seeds of the person I'm growing into in the confused, frustrated person I was then as I tentatively explored veganism, body positivity, feminism, meditation and magic.
Change isn't linear. Backsliding happens, not just in my spending as I have previously documented, but in other areas too. Recently, I've been using Facebook after about a year without it. I still don't like it much, but it has its uses - I've found out about a local repair cafe and a plastic-free activism group. Same with Instagram - it's really useful to be able to connect with people and see what's out there. I found a group trying to fund a local community garden. So many great things around me that I knew nothing about! But I still find it super hard to restrict my usage to a healthy, comfortable level, and I have to keep reminding myself that online connection, no matter how beneficial, is not actually the work.
It's frustrating to feel like I'm back at the beginning of trying to control my phone use. In many ways it was easier not to have the apps at all - it certainly helped with trying to keep my life simple, and I didn't have FOMO about exciting online events that conflict with the Spud's bedtime, or feel disappointed that I can't justify driving around the country each weekend to get to every interesting festival or market. Joining a lot of groups on Facebook hasn't actually made that much difference to my activities offline - I just feel as if my life has gotten more hectic.
I feel happier and more content when I have time for good books, long walks, a yoga session, a homemade sugar scrub in the shower. I like myself better when I'm not trying to promote myself as a brand.
Sometimes I worry that 'simple' means 'safe', and that actually I'm just wearing a comfortable groove for myself, but in fact I think some of my biggest steps recently have been taken from this foundation of calm, such as the fulfilment of my dream to write a book and see it in print, my return to an active Pagan practise, the purchase of our first home, my forays into activism, and also I think it's had a positive effect on the way I parent. The nature of social media puts the self front and centre, and that's not a headspace from which I find it easy to do my best parenting.
When I backslide or slip up, whether in my physical consumption or in my consumption of junk media, it's easy to convince myself that I haven't really changed at all. Imposter syndrome sets in, and I break out in a cold sweat thinking about my upcoming book. What can I possibly have to say about anticonsumerism, when I still want so much?
I have to remember that I'm not trying to present myself as 'an expert' or as the perfect example of anticonsumerist living. What I am trying to do is to be honest, to say "I struggle with this," or "I feel better when I do that," to tell my story and show how my life has changed, and in so doing to hopefully promote discussion about different ways we could live. If we can all encourage each other through the changes we need to make in this Tower Time, and hold space for each other's stories, perhaps we can find different ways of connecting socially, without the frenetic pace, deleterious effects and time-sucking tendencies of current media platforms.
It's interesting to me that my social media use and my constant craving for More Things seem to be so intertwined. But I have changed. I know I have. I might slip up from time to time, but this is not square one.
Further Reading:
Why I've Left Social Media and The Tyranny of Machine Meaning by Rhyd Wildermuth
And on that note, a merry Christmas to you.
Back in the mists of time when I was at university, I read a very eye-opening book about how "consumer culture" was/is created by our corporate society via advertising. The main psychological goal of advertising is to destroy people's ability to distinguish between a "want" and a "need," so that everything gets classified as a "need" which must be fulfilled by consuming goods. A "want" can be postponed or ignored or left unfulfilled. A "need" cannot. After reading this book, I became very conscious about analyzing whether I was experiencing a "want" or a "need." It made a big difference in my life, I think.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like an interesting book to say the least. I can see both in myself and the wider culture that "want" purchases are very much encouraged by conventional advertising and perhaps even more so by the weird blend of reality and advertising copy that is much of the online realm. And we're definitely still told that wants ARE needs, nowadays often in the name of self-care (ironic, as a better form of self-care for me would have looked like building a foundation of financial stability instead of frittering away every paycheque on a bazillion "treats"). Yet never, ever acting on those "wants" can be quite a difficult way to live and hard to stick to. I'm hoping to eventually find a balance - although I wish I was better at defining which is which!
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