Mixed Messages, Self-Compassion and Sage Advice (or, Buy the Damn Teacups)

On my 'memories' on my phone's photo app, a picture from two years ago popped up, and I winced. On that day, I had got dressed quickly - as I often do - and I felt so uncomfortable when we ended up visiting a busy shopping centre. I was wearing a coat I didn't like, an ill-fitting, baggy pair of men's jeans, and a jumper that was too short. However, the main reason for my wince was that I still own all three items, and in fact have worn them all this week. Seeing the words "two years ago" on my app made me feel as though I'd been doing some kind of penance.

I showed Dai, explained to him how I'd felt in the outfit, and he gave me a long look. "You need to have a word with yourself."

He was right. Except, I'm not sure exactly what words I should be having! The opposite of the words I had to have with myself when I sat down with my bank statements in 2019 and identified how serious my overshopping habit had become? The problem there was that I still spent more than I wanted to on clothes in 2021 (more than in 2020, though I imagine that's the same for everyone) and for 2022 I really wanted to reduce my spend further (realistically, it's still high, though considerably less than 2019 levels).

How could I be spending more on clothes and yet still wearing items I knew I was less than keen on? I took a good hard look at my wardrobe, and it didn't take long to discover the issue. I had been buying more of the things I always tend to buy - T-shirts, accessories, funky trousers - and plumping up some areas that had become really sparse after baby-bearing body changes - skirts, dresses - and therefore I'd completely neglected the less fun, historically difficult, or simply expensive categories - jeans, coats, jumpers (and bras). Of course, that meant that every winter I was falling back on the same old less-than-ideal things.

At least I could understand what had happened! It's often easier to find T-shirts that I like than it is anything else, so I'm more often tempted by T-shirts than any other item! And buying jeans is always a mare, more so when you're concerned about pesticide use and water use and labour standards and so forth - trying to find jeans secondhand in a particular size, fit and colour, whilst accompanied by a toddler, isn't the easiest thing, and the prices from ethical, sustainable brands can often be prohibitive on my budget. So I'd just put it off. And put it off. And put it off. Because I didn't want to go to the effort of replacing something not-quite-right with something else not-quite-right, but couldn't see how else to proceed. Meanwhile my jeans were wearing out, and I was now down to one pair, which had lasted longest simply because they were my least flattering pair. With coats, the issue was simply: cost. Can I really justify replacing a serviceable coat, even if I don't like it?

Underpinning all of this is the fact that I've been avoiding getting rid of stuff, as I've often cleared things out and then wished I hadn't...! 

You may be thinking, wow, she's overthinking this. But we live in a culture that teaches us to buy, buy, buy, and not think about it at all.

When I've discussed my attempted shopping ban with others, I have often been told that I need to be kinder to myself. Most recently when Christmas shopping - one of my friends is a jewellery maker, so I was buying some gifts from her, and I really wanted a pair of teacup earrings! I explained I was trying not to buy things for myself, and she advised, "One thing I've learned from being sick [obviously I won't elaborate on anyone else's health issues] is that you have to show yourself some compassion." I translated this to: buy the damn teacups.

However, although self-compassion is important, I'm not convinced that my right to buy things is more important than the rights of garment workers to be paid a fair wage, or for communities to have clean air and water. I feel very aware that my wants, my purchases, don't exist in a vacuum. 

Writer and activist Aja Barber said on Instagram (responding to messages about affordable clothing being a human right), "Where do our human rights end and others begin in a world where the mainstream notion of achieving affordability currently looks like systems of exploitation?"

I think, now that I have written this all down in black and white, that it might be time for me to shop. I can't afford to replace everything all at once, and certainly not from new, so it's going to be a slow process, but that's as it should be, I believe. Otherwise I'll still be wearing the same coat two years from now, and two years after that, when instead I can sell it on whilst it's still in good condition and source one I actually like to wear. And I really can't go any longer without a couple more decent bras, sheesh!

Sheila has often given me sage advice, which I am going to do my best to follow: "Self Care Isn't Selfish. Lead by example to your kid(s) - take care of yourself and express yourself. You can do this without spending a ton of money, as you know, and I love that you're all about sustainability, but love every item you put on your body! If you don't love it, let it go," and, "You're the boss of you, Katrina. It's possible to shop ethically and ensure you donate stuff you don't need. A no-shop ban helps to make us more aware of how much we buy and can help tweak bad habits, but it's not a law. It's okay to shop and support brick-and-mortar businesses."